BEING 25...

Where do I even begin?

This time last year I made a pact with myself. I said, 'Self, we are going to document this next year to see how we've spent our time being the almighty 25 by keeping a journal. And not one of those journals that you start and never finish but one we will treasure for years to come'. Okay, I didn't really refer to myself as 'Self' but it would have been kinda funny if I did. Anyway, I am pleased to report that I did keep that promise and have just finished reading the entire thing.

25 started off well...

I wanted to travel. And so my sister and I spent 3 days fantastic days in October in Lisbon, Portugal learning and seeing as much as we could knowing all too well that 3 days was not nearly enough time to do the city justice. We left with hundreds of photographs and the unspoken promise of returning to Lisboa with the sole purpose of giving her the attention she deserves. Almost immediately after I slipped back into my usual daily routine I found it impossible to disregard the shift in my perspective on my life. Simply put: I wasn't happy - with my work, my family situation, my lack of drive, my body... basically a lot of things. I wasn't happy with a lot of things. I mean I have spoken about this before but fear can indeed be paralysing. We've all heard one quote or ten about how being a slave to fear is not a great way to live so I won't bore you with that, however, I will say that I found it hard to face said fears with no solid plan in place. And so that is what I spent the next 11 months doing - making plans - and I think it went well.

Then it got hard... but in a good way!

Control. There is a lot we have no control over and that can be scary but there's also quite a number of things we do have control over. This past year I slowly got reacquainted with being in control of my life. I know this all sounds quite dramatic but I assure you it most definitely wasn't. I have spent a good chunk of my life so far following the rules: some my parents set, others the world set and a few I had made up based on my understanding at the time. I did well in school, I studied a course at uni I did find interesting but didn't love, I got a stable job and did not go out of my way to do things that would keep my parents up at night. But I don't know, after turning 25 it was like one massive switch flipped. All of that just did not seem to matter as much anymore. I had shrunk so far into myself that I had lost sight of who I was and that was no longer ok. I dug deep, tried out new hobbies - some stuck, some didn't - and through all the fumbling around I ended up having fun figuring out what I wanted to do and what I was interested in devoid of external influences. Things I was told - and ended up feeling - were out my reach became more attainable once I broke each idea down, researched its feasibility and believed in myself more. But I'm not going to lie to you, it is hard unlearning certain habits and ways of thinking and actually honouring your true thoughts, wishes & wants without the consequences of doing so negatively affecting those around you. I mean, at least I find it hard.

But it was definitely forgiving though...

In amongst all the planning and "soul searching" I had to come to terms with the fact that I am where I am and that's really ok. I forgave myself for not being where I want to be, for not being able to help in the way I would like to, for failing, for giving up, for not having the "perfect" body, for not eating healthily everyday all day and - most of all - for being incredibly hard on myself. And in being much kinder to myself things sorta started falling into place and I gained more clarity on where my path was headed. I finally figured out what I want my next career move to be and although it is VERY SCARY, as it is completely different to my current trajectory, I am VERY EXCITED. It's funny how planning your next moves becomes so much easier when you actually know where you'd like to end up. Anyway, in learning how to be unapologetically me and superlatively honest about my wants and needs with the help of my family & friends, opportunities that I thought only existed in dreamland began to crop up and I grabbed hold of them with both hands with a smile and it felt oh so good. The quote "Success is not the key to happiness, Happiness is the key to success" springs to mind when I think of a quote to describe this last year. And I've found it easier to remain in a state of happiness when you aren't harbouring negativity and for me, forgiveness was a way of swatting that dark cloud away.

All in all, I would say 25 was formative...

And so what does this side of 25 hold? Change. There will inevitably be change just like the colours of leaves change every year yielding a variety of beautiful shades that serve a purpose and tell a story of its life cycle. And with the good, solid foundation the last 25 years have given me I am now wiser, stronger and eager to effectively begin from scratch again and carve out my own path that I am sure will have many failures and victories and tears of laughter and sadness but it will all be for things I believe in and willing to take calculated risks for. Basically, I will be getting into formation...