EAT PRAY LOVE: APPARENTLY THE TONGUE AIN'T THAT POWERFUL

There is something I have been struggling with for a while now that I do not want to taint this new year with. Ever since I turned 20 (gosh dang that seems so long ago! Lol) I began to have what I call a 'Start of Life Crisis'. I began to dwell on things that had not yet happened; dreams I had not yet fulfilled; time I had apparently wasted; failures I have had; the fact that the perfect man for me had not yet shown his face; the fact that I did not look like the person I wanted to be; the fact that I am not good enough... the list is endless. When these waves of negativity would crash into me I would be sent into a dark hole of sadness causing me to crave the solace of my tiny room that provided some sort of refuge for my wounded spirit.

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During my fourth year at uni with graduation looming, the demands of dissertation gnawing at my brain and the expectation that I should secure a grad job straight after graduation, that dark hole of sadness only became deeper. I had my moments when I would crawl out of that hole and actually enjoy the life that I had and recognise the blessings God had given me but then my natural ability to worry for the whole world kicks in and I find myself in what became a familiar sea of despair. I just wanted my life to be all that I dreamt it would be. I saw people around me living their life, doing things that I wanted to do and achieving their goals with what seemed like perfect ease. I was frustrated at myself for lacking the skill and/or confidence to grab opportunities by the hand, lead it to the dance floor and have fun. Hanging out with my family and the few friends I had around, blogging, reading my bible and being more involved in church really did help me spend more time out of the hole I had created but I still felt like a massive underachiever.

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 I ended up being a graduate Chemical Engineer with pretty good grades. I managed to bag myself a graduate job (so grateful to God for that gift). I managed to move into my first Big Girl flat. I have managed to get acquainted with the pain of bills, budgeting, the joys of finally being able to cook new dishes and all the comes with becoming an adult. And these are all great things. Trust me, I am aware of it but I still feel like I am missing something. Like I have not yet discovered who it is that I am meant to be or really tried to fulfill any of my so-called dreams.

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I started doing Pilates last month shortly after I introduced this series and my outlook on life began to look a lot brighter. I felt more toned, active and excited about my days. Watching the tons of videos that my favourite youtubers upload and reading the plethora of blog posts my favourite bloggers publish filled me with so much inspiration that has changed how I am going to approach things that come my way. I was talking to my sister today and I discovered that apparently the tongue is not that powerful. I say I want to do all the things that I say I want to do but I do not believe in myself enough to really making any real effort to make it come true. For example:

I say I want to travel but I don't bother to plan my route, save money for it or get my railcard/passport sorted. I come up with many excuses as to why I can't do it and end up becoming jealous of those who have come back from a life changing trip of their own.

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This year is my year of proactiveness, grace and peace. For all the things that I have put on my New Year wish list I am now treating them like projects i.e. doing my preliminary research, being organised, deducing the manner in which I want achieve my goals and writing them down. The tongue is powerful but I also have to work hard to kick the self-deprecating version of me out of the driver's seat so that I can cross of these things that I want to do off my list. If there any of you who, like me, find yourself in that annoying vicious cycle please know that you are not alone and that we have the power to let go of our inhibitions and become more self-confident. It may take a while to get there but I am willing to try and I hope you are too.

Here's to making this year count!

Love, Mo

xx