LIFE EDIT: IN TIME

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I am not good with words… yet. 

I struggle with compressing my ideas and memories and opinions into a string of groups of letters that in themselves find new meaning especially when said aloud. That look I am given when I find myself amidst a conversation with people, especially those I do not know well, and unable to voice aloud something - anything! - I consider useful or worthy to defend or annihilate the topic at hand, makes me feel so small and inadequate that I am sent into a panic whenever I find myself in a situation where small talk is to be had.

I am not good with talking to people… yet.

My family and friends may disagree because once they get me going it is sometimes hard to find the lever that shuts the door that is my mouth; a door that can be used to express yourself, your mind, your soul with the rest of the world. But luckily, for people like me who feel uncomfortable walking through that door when unfamiliar places and faces lie on the other side, this is not the only door available to us. Math, art, science and technology are but a few other ways to connect with the world. That is not to say that we should run away from situations where our voice is counted upon to show up and represent a view that has been formed and mined in our minds regardless of how weird or uninformative or unimportant we may think it is. Because in reality, the place most of us are too eager to leave in favour of a more exciting version of Planet Imagination-arium, our ideas and memories and opinions do matter for the simple reason that they are what they are – dynamic and uniquely ours. And when shared can result in something magical.

I am not good with turning words into action… yet.

There are varying levels of good that comes with change. In this instance change is both necessary and good and it is something that will take time. Turning words into action is a skill I am slowly becoming a queen of but also one that frustrates me because of how long it is taking me to do so. But I am getting there, slowly. I now find myself no longer allowing that feeling of inadequacy to cripple me but rather, when situations where my participation in conversations are expected do arise, I breathe deeply and trust that whatever words do make it out of my mouth are welcomed with open arms, treated with care and sought after again. Even if all I end up leaving them with is a rather dull story of when I used to live in halls or just my name.

I am not good with impacting lives positively… yet.

I do believe that words – at least those written down – are one of the main special tools in my life toolbox I am to use to connect with the world and help change it in a positive way. And despite sometimes feeling like I am not good with words or talking to people or manipulating words and turning them into action, I still believe that it is with words that I will leave my positive mark on the world. I am not sure how just yet but I am willing and trying to figure that out. 

In time, I will be good at all these things. Maybe even great. 

In time...

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Mo x