WHAT A WOW

Genuinely surprised this was taken this year when me, my sister & our mate G, went to Malta for a quick mid-year break in March. Mad.

This year has been a very good definition of the word: intense.

Reflecting on moments, situations, thoughts gone by is my forte; like I thrive in that area and I’m 100% confident that that is one of my strengths. However, I want to talk about the now for a change. The now that looks like me sat at my desk on a Saturday morning listening to a Lofi Hip Hop mix (I didn’t even know that was a thing) dressed in a linen top and cotton shorts both in a beige-type colour with a head that’s slowly being eased from tension headaches from a bout of rising anxiety. Anxiety with roots in the growing global macro issues and my local micro issues. The now that’s found itself in a just rained on Manchester with the sun ready to wake up properly. The now where I’m unsure of the specifics of the future but sure of the joy I’m feeling as I’m writing this with so much ease.

I am a writer.

It has taken me a long time to be able to say that and not wince, look around for someone to either reject the statement or confirm the truth within it. I’m beginning to no longer care that the way I use words may not be the best and I’m beginning to not allow the supposed lack of structure stop me from attempting at all. As we all know by now, that’s what the shit draft is for. And right now, I’m wondering if this year is a shit draft of the best that’s yet to come. I know for a lot of people, this year isn’t so bad - and I’m happy they’ve swayed through the months unscathed. But for me? Well, aside from the intricate dance routines with my mental health, I’ve found myself participating in another round of The Redundancy Games and it is a shit game.

I love theatre.

And right now the theatre industry is hurting and it’s getting increasingly difficult to remain hopeful. When the doors of the Exchange closed due to the lockdown I did not expect to feel untethered in the way that I did. It was in that moment my love for the art form, the community of people who both make, consume, discuss & critique theatre, the buildings & people who offer healing, companionship, education, entertainment and hope, was crystalised. And now, it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that my time spent in a theatre engine room could be coming to an end.

I’m a glass half empty kinda gal.

But I also love dreaming and I’m yet to meet the limits of my imagination so today, I’m deciding to spend my time doing what I love as though I have all the time in the world to do them. I don’t want to dwell on the negatives, rather I want to set myself free from all expectations that aren’t my own. I want to rid myself of the goals placed before me that are poor representations of what my true goals are. Right now, I’m dwelling in freedom and the light and energy and motivation and fear that brings.

This is not the end.

Rather, this is a continuation and the moment to pivot and actually DO. This year has been one I’ll definitely remember and part of the memories from this time will include my breaking free from despair and my climbing towards growth, joy, (self-)love, peace, understanding and true expression.

You coming?